Jobs!
So, a long time ago I did a blog about my top 5 desired jobs, this will be similar, but with no concept of time. I was sitting around at Shari's when one of my friends came up with this idea. Top jobs where time or qualifications is not an issue. So if I desired to be a professional dolphin rodeo rider from the 1850's, which of course was the height of the dolphin rodeo days, then that'd be okay. This is tentatively going to be a top 10 list, but it might change, I'm telling you now because I don't want to bother to edit this far back into the post. I'm a lazy ass. These are in absolutely no order, by the way, because it goes back to the lazy thing.
10. Soothsayer. Seriously, stand around and make up things to tell to a powerful guy. I don't really care who I would be a soothsayer for, just someone not too homicidal. "Well, your worship, I have looked into the stars, and it appears that you'll die if you attack the Persians, I think you should avoid it. Oh, you don't want to avoid it, hmm, let me look again.......oh, my bad, you're going to win, presuming you appoint me to take over for you if you die, but that's the only way. Seriously, I wish I could explain it, but you know how the stars are."
9. Pharaoh pre-Hebrew revolt. I don't think this requires much explanation. Being Pharaoh would be awesome, and if it were pre-Hebrew revolt, then wow. Pyramids and statues dedicated t my memory, all at the sweat of a people that my own populous doesn't respect. I could revolutionize the Egyptian job market, make actual Egyptians supervisors, or what have you. Not to mention the army I'd have. Africa would be mine, and Moses doesn't scare me with his damn magic.
8. Rapper's Entourage Person #2. I specifically pick #2 because #1 has way too much pressure. Think about it, person right next to rapper, you could be shot at any time, you want to be the person next to the person next to the rapper, way less likely to die there. And on top of that you don't have to manage the rest of the entourage, or have the rapper be as dependent on you. Now, on to the perks, a rich guy will pay for everything you could ever want to do. Everything. And all you have to do is tell him he's fucking great. Maybe be in the background on a few tracks, but that's easy, you just stand in the back, and when it seems appropriate go "Yeah......ha, tell it man." I specifically have Afroman in mind for my boss, his music is just funny, and no one wants to kill Afroman, he's too unknown but likable at the same time.
7. Cereal Mascot. This was in my other list, and I completely stand by it. The time could be now, whatever. Being a pitchman for a cereal seems really easy. And to make sure there aren't any Dutch Floozies reading this, I don't mean a guy in a costume. essentially since I exist, I imagine that this cereal would have to be based on me, which seems absurd. I need to find a cereal that has similar traits as me. Maybe No Life-O's. "No Life-O's, the cereal that steals your ambition and makes you a black hole of trivia!" Christ, I'd be the best spokesman ever for that.
6. Jarrett Sacks' personal assistant. As near as I can tell, my interactions with Jarrett wouldn't change much, but I'd be paid for it. Sure, I'd talk to him in person instead of over a series of tubes and wires (interweb), maybe answer some calls, schedule a few things. Other than that it'd be the same. Make him laugh, make fun of his woman, propose absurd ideas, dance like a monkey, you know, the usual.
5. Movie Critic for guys like me. I don't want to be a real movie critic, then people would expect me to tell them some deep crap, like what I thought the symbolism of the director's use of the color blue was all about. Or why I think they chose to shoot with handcams, and shit. Fuck that. How about "the movie sucked and here's why, it starred Keanu Reeves, moving on."
4. Civil war solider. I've always been intrigued by war, and I think the US Civil War is the ideal time. I don't want to unsuspectingly be blown up by a bomb, or attacked by rebels in towns. I want the sophistication of the civil war. Union General and Confederate General meet up and decide they should fight the next morning, ten the next morning you stand a ways apart and see who can load and aim their gun the best. Civilized war, that's the way for me.
3. Hitman during the 40's. Great high power rifles, very little forensics evidence, huge mob payouts, both to me and to cops and witnesses alike. As morbid as this sounds, I've always felt I could be a great mob hitman. One would think I'd have morals and crap, but really, you piss the mob off, and you deserve to get nailed.
2. Bench coach for a major league team. As far as I can tell, the job consists of sitting around talking to your good friend the manager. You lean back, chew some gum or tobacco, spit, scratch yourself, talk, and rarely fill in for the manager when he gets tossed out of the game. "So, that Jeter is hitting well, huh? Hey, no, Joe, I think he was safe, too, but don't, ah, dammit, Joe you got thrown out, dammit.....umm, keep on playing well guys. Shit"
1. Movie writer. I'm not talking about real movies here, I'm talking Wayons Brothers type shit, and the crap they spawned. I can easily write crap like Epic Movie or Date Movie. A poorly trained Hamster can write that. What you need to ask yourself is, are you willing to sell out and be hated by smart people. Answer: probably, I like money. "You guys remember when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch? Why don't we have a Tom Cruise like character, maybe Tim Sail, he could jump on some couch while screaming about how Psychiatry is evil and how wrong it is. Man, that'd be so topical and funny."
(Special #1A: Turn real movies into 8 minute versions of themselves, I only add that because I can do it, and I do it on a regular basis anyway for debate, so, if anyone is looking to hire a guy that can take a script that already exists, and make it a somewhat coherent 8 minutes, call me.)
10. Soothsayer. Seriously, stand around and make up things to tell to a powerful guy. I don't really care who I would be a soothsayer for, just someone not too homicidal. "Well, your worship, I have looked into the stars, and it appears that you'll die if you attack the Persians, I think you should avoid it. Oh, you don't want to avoid it, hmm, let me look again.......oh, my bad, you're going to win, presuming you appoint me to take over for you if you die, but that's the only way. Seriously, I wish I could explain it, but you know how the stars are."
9. Pharaoh pre-Hebrew revolt. I don't think this requires much explanation. Being Pharaoh would be awesome, and if it were pre-Hebrew revolt, then wow. Pyramids and statues dedicated t my memory, all at the sweat of a people that my own populous doesn't respect. I could revolutionize the Egyptian job market, make actual Egyptians supervisors, or what have you. Not to mention the army I'd have. Africa would be mine, and Moses doesn't scare me with his damn magic.
8. Rapper's Entourage Person #2. I specifically pick #2 because #1 has way too much pressure. Think about it, person right next to rapper, you could be shot at any time, you want to be the person next to the person next to the rapper, way less likely to die there. And on top of that you don't have to manage the rest of the entourage, or have the rapper be as dependent on you. Now, on to the perks, a rich guy will pay for everything you could ever want to do. Everything. And all you have to do is tell him he's fucking great. Maybe be in the background on a few tracks, but that's easy, you just stand in the back, and when it seems appropriate go "Yeah......ha, tell it man." I specifically have Afroman in mind for my boss, his music is just funny, and no one wants to kill Afroman, he's too unknown but likable at the same time.
7. Cereal Mascot. This was in my other list, and I completely stand by it. The time could be now, whatever. Being a pitchman for a cereal seems really easy. And to make sure there aren't any Dutch Floozies reading this, I don't mean a guy in a costume. essentially since I exist, I imagine that this cereal would have to be based on me, which seems absurd. I need to find a cereal that has similar traits as me. Maybe No Life-O's. "No Life-O's, the cereal that steals your ambition and makes you a black hole of trivia!" Christ, I'd be the best spokesman ever for that.
6. Jarrett Sacks' personal assistant. As near as I can tell, my interactions with Jarrett wouldn't change much, but I'd be paid for it. Sure, I'd talk to him in person instead of over a series of tubes and wires (interweb), maybe answer some calls, schedule a few things. Other than that it'd be the same. Make him laugh, make fun of his woman, propose absurd ideas, dance like a monkey, you know, the usual.
5. Movie Critic for guys like me. I don't want to be a real movie critic, then people would expect me to tell them some deep crap, like what I thought the symbolism of the director's use of the color blue was all about. Or why I think they chose to shoot with handcams, and shit. Fuck that. How about "the movie sucked and here's why, it starred Keanu Reeves, moving on."
4. Civil war solider. I've always been intrigued by war, and I think the US Civil War is the ideal time. I don't want to unsuspectingly be blown up by a bomb, or attacked by rebels in towns. I want the sophistication of the civil war. Union General and Confederate General meet up and decide they should fight the next morning, ten the next morning you stand a ways apart and see who can load and aim their gun the best. Civilized war, that's the way for me.
3. Hitman during the 40's. Great high power rifles, very little forensics evidence, huge mob payouts, both to me and to cops and witnesses alike. As morbid as this sounds, I've always felt I could be a great mob hitman. One would think I'd have morals and crap, but really, you piss the mob off, and you deserve to get nailed.
2. Bench coach for a major league team. As far as I can tell, the job consists of sitting around talking to your good friend the manager. You lean back, chew some gum or tobacco, spit, scratch yourself, talk, and rarely fill in for the manager when he gets tossed out of the game. "So, that Jeter is hitting well, huh? Hey, no, Joe, I think he was safe, too, but don't, ah, dammit, Joe you got thrown out, dammit.....umm, keep on playing well guys. Shit"
1. Movie writer. I'm not talking about real movies here, I'm talking Wayons Brothers type shit, and the crap they spawned. I can easily write crap like Epic Movie or Date Movie. A poorly trained Hamster can write that. What you need to ask yourself is, are you willing to sell out and be hated by smart people. Answer: probably, I like money. "You guys remember when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch? Why don't we have a Tom Cruise like character, maybe Tim Sail, he could jump on some couch while screaming about how Psychiatry is evil and how wrong it is. Man, that'd be so topical and funny."
(Special #1A: Turn real movies into 8 minute versions of themselves, I only add that because I can do it, and I do it on a regular basis anyway for debate, so, if anyone is looking to hire a guy that can take a script that already exists, and make it a somewhat coherent 8 minutes, call me.)
posted by Sam at 7:35 PM
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