DEATH
The Ten Ways I Definitely Don't Want To Die
As usual, in no particular order, here are the worst ways to die, if you're me.
10. Eaten alive by a cannibal. While I'm sure I'd enjoy chatting to anyone who takes pleasure in eating someone, while they're still alive, I'm pretty sure the pain of this would be horrible. Having your flesh slowly pulled from your bones, I'm not even sure what it would feel like, but it has to be worse than most, if not all, types of pain I've experienced.
9. Drowning in a bucket, especially one with a warning label on it. That's just embarrassing.
8. Anything involving Carlos Mencia or Dane Cook. Having my last few seconds be either with them, or with them on the TV, something of that nature, would be horrific. Even if I'm being killed via my preferred method (coming to a blog near you, soon...maybe tomorrow), the joy of the preferred method would be eradicated by those douche nozzles. The only way this is okay is if I got to watch them die first.
7. A tragic cock sucking accident, one in which I was forced to suck said cock. I'm not sure how this would happen, maybe the penis would cause me to suffocate, if I had a cold, too, or something, maybe it would be so giant it would cause my throat to lacerate, I don't know, I don't want to find out, it'd be horrible. (Special mention to anal rape, I feel this fits in the same category, the category of "tragic forced sexual death.")
6. A long, drawn out death, in which I first become brain dead, and then live for several more years, being a burden to society, my family and whoever is footing the bill, poor bastards. Let it be known right now, that if I ever am pronounced brain dead, kill me. Whatever way you can, even if it's another method mentioned on this list, because by the brain dead point, I won't know. You could treat it as some sort of sick revenge....you freak.
5. Dehydration. I can barely stand to be dehydrated as it is, I sometimes wish death upon myself when I'm dehydrated, I can't imagine having it last a couple weeks and getting worse. Seizures, muscle spasms, loss of vision, delirium, extreme headaches, no thank you.
4. Having an alien tear it's way out of my abdomen. Every time I've seen this it looked pretty painful. Plus, it means I've been harboring an alien inside me, and become a pawn to their evil, seeking world dominance, ways. Bastard aliens.
3. Drawn and quartered. Jesus, ow. It kind of depends on how it's done, but essentially if my arms and legs are ripped off, I imagine I'd feel a lot of pain before dying. And all I would be able to do is flop around, screaming, wishing to die. So I suppose death might seem nice by the end of it.
2. A drawn out death as a result of sarin gas. Here are the potential symptoms of sarin gas poisoning:
1. Being bored to death. I'm not sure this could even happen, I imagine what would actually happen is that I'd slowly go insane and eventually eat my own tongue, and die of blood loss. I can keep myself entertained for a really long time, one reason I'm such a great security guard, I can stave off boredom, but over a long enough period, I begin to think i may be going insane. Death via insanity via boredom.
As usual, in no particular order, here are the worst ways to die, if you're me.
10. Eaten alive by a cannibal. While I'm sure I'd enjoy chatting to anyone who takes pleasure in eating someone, while they're still alive, I'm pretty sure the pain of this would be horrible. Having your flesh slowly pulled from your bones, I'm not even sure what it would feel like, but it has to be worse than most, if not all, types of pain I've experienced.
9. Drowning in a bucket, especially one with a warning label on it. That's just embarrassing.
8. Anything involving Carlos Mencia or Dane Cook. Having my last few seconds be either with them, or with them on the TV, something of that nature, would be horrific. Even if I'm being killed via my preferred method (coming to a blog near you, soon...maybe tomorrow), the joy of the preferred method would be eradicated by those douche nozzles. The only way this is okay is if I got to watch them die first.
7. A tragic cock sucking accident, one in which I was forced to suck said cock. I'm not sure how this would happen, maybe the penis would cause me to suffocate, if I had a cold, too, or something, maybe it would be so giant it would cause my throat to lacerate, I don't know, I don't want to find out, it'd be horrible. (Special mention to anal rape, I feel this fits in the same category, the category of "tragic forced sexual death.")
6. A long, drawn out death, in which I first become brain dead, and then live for several more years, being a burden to society, my family and whoever is footing the bill, poor bastards. Let it be known right now, that if I ever am pronounced brain dead, kill me. Whatever way you can, even if it's another method mentioned on this list, because by the brain dead point, I won't know. You could treat it as some sort of sick revenge....you freak.
5. Dehydration. I can barely stand to be dehydrated as it is, I sometimes wish death upon myself when I'm dehydrated, I can't imagine having it last a couple weeks and getting worse. Seizures, muscle spasms, loss of vision, delirium, extreme headaches, no thank you.
4. Having an alien tear it's way out of my abdomen. Every time I've seen this it looked pretty painful. Plus, it means I've been harboring an alien inside me, and become a pawn to their evil, seeking world dominance, ways. Bastard aliens.
3. Drawn and quartered. Jesus, ow. It kind of depends on how it's done, but essentially if my arms and legs are ripped off, I imagine I'd feel a lot of pain before dying. And all I would be able to do is flop around, screaming, wishing to die. So I suppose death might seem nice by the end of it.
2. A drawn out death as a result of sarin gas. Here are the potential symptoms of sarin gas poisoning:
- coma
- convulsions
- death
- difficulty breathing
- disturbed sleep and nightmares
- extreme sensitivity to light
- foaming at the mouth
- high fevers
- influenza-like symptoms
- loss of consciousness
- loss of memory
- nausea and vomiting
- paralysis
- post-traumatic stress disorder
- respiratory problems
- seizures
- uncontrollable trembling
- vision problems, both temporary and permanent
1. Being bored to death. I'm not sure this could even happen, I imagine what would actually happen is that I'd slowly go insane and eventually eat my own tongue, and die of blood loss. I can keep myself entertained for a really long time, one reason I'm such a great security guard, I can stave off boredom, but over a long enough period, I begin to think i may be going insane. Death via insanity via boredom.
posted by Sam at 2:11 PM
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